In case you haven't noticed, In Search of the Weird is on hiatus until another road trip, which could be a while. In the mean time, I've moved on over to The Daily Lifeku where I sum up how you annoy me in 17 simple syllables. TTFN

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IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIttttttttttttttttt's Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!! Networking, networking, networking, oh how important networking is. I have been blessed with the ability to comfortably communicate with just about anyone. It hasn't been until just the last couple of years that I've started to realize that maybe I have a gift. In growing into my newly discovered ability, I have begun to learn how much more resourceful, productive, and valuable one can be with a good network. When presented with a situation in which you are surrounded by people you don't already know, you should take advantage of the opportunity to meet as many people as you can, without seeming like a weirdo. Don't bounce around the metro station wide-eyed and excited about meeting everybody, talking about, "Who are you, and what do you do?" It might not turn out so well... Just introduce yourself to new people in somewhat of a casual way, always with a smile on your face, not a joker smile, just a smile. Be genuine, let people know through your body language and tone of your voice that you are being real, and not just being a smart$$.

Once you've begun to create new relationships and build your network, don't be afraid to take advantage of your new resources. Let people know also that if ever they need anything, you'll be more than happy to help out any way you can. One thing you may also start to find is that the more people that know you and what you do, the more potential you have to do some more business. You never know where business could come from, all you can do is advertise yourself as much as possible, in a classy way, and wait to see how the opportunities will arise.

Now, in the spirit of networking, and proving that it can always help to build a new network, I'd like to ask my new network for some creative ideas. I know a lot of you personally, and some I don't. I know that A Daily Dose of The Gerald sometimes gets forwarded to others; friends, family, etc. I work at an apartment community in Annandale, Virginia called The Parliaments. We have the best product in the area and I am completely confident with that. Now, we have had too many vacant apartments over the course of the last few months, not any more than our neighboring communities, but that is no excuse. It may be true that the vacancy in the area is high, but that doesn't mean that there's not business to be had, just means we have to come up with new ways to attack the beast. If you work for a competing property management institutes, please refrain from sharing secret company tactics, as you don't need to risk having issues at work because of it, but otherwise I would really appreciate a fresh perspective on ways to market our community more effectively. I appreciate your time, and look forward to hearing from you. Have a good weekend everybody.

Gerald A. Keating

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That Eva Pigford from America's Next Top Model looks like the long lost twin of actor Terrance Howard:

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Good morning everybody, it's time to wake up and get busy. I'd like to start with an apology to my little sister, Shannon. It seems I have embarrassed her with yesterday's email. She's always wanted to be famous, I guess just not because of her habit of blaming the dog for her unpleasantries... So please erase yesterday's email from your memory. Didn't work, yeah I didn't think it would, but I tried.

So, lately I have been thinking about life and it's delicateness. Too much I think the majority of us take life for granted, as if we're going to live forever and anything that we're too lazy to do today, we'll just do tomorrow. Well, tomorrow is never guaranteed, though we'd like to think so and often live as if it is. How many of you have thought, "man, if I could go back to high school knowing what I know now, I would do a whole lot of things differently..."? Well, that's because we know now that we took those years for granted. You have a choice to live life the way you want to live it, but realize that when you get to the end of the road, whether you're expecting it or not, that you'll look back on your life and the things you've accomplished, the relationships you've built, and the things you wish you'd done differently, but you won't be able to go back and change anything. Don't do that to yourself, you don't deserve that, nobody does. Do you really want to look back and think, "man, I can't believe I put myself through all of that torture staying in that abusive relationship because I thought it was better for the kids", or, "I wish I had confessed my love for her and asked her to marry me", or even, "why didn't I talk David Hillman into investing in my jazz club idea". (I know, that was cheap, but I'd regret not having taken the opportunity to throw that out there in the hopes that he would somehow, some day read this and be inspired). First of all, nobody should put themselves through an abusive relationship, especially for the kids. How will your kids grow up respecting you or themselves knowing that you don't respect yourself? Stand up for yourself and for your kids, because even though you might think you're sheltering them from your unhappiness, you're not. You're only teaching them not to stand up for themselves and you will regret it later. Secondly, I know there have been someone in some of your lives that you were completely in love with, but for fear of rejection you kept it to yourself, only to doom yourself to a life of mediocrity and someone that you struggle to be with day in and day out. My best friend, Bo showed me that no matter the circumstances, go for the one you know is right for you. He went right after the one that he knew would make him happy, even though she probably could have had anybody and she tried to pass him off in the beginning to a friend. He was persistent, and I think him and his wife will appreciate his determination for the rest of their lives. Okay, okay, wrapping it up... Two last things, first I'd like you to check out this video when you have a chance on your free time (please don't try to watch it at work. I don't wanna get fired because I had a bunch of people spend an hour of their workday watching a video). It's the final lecture by a 47 year old college professor named Randy Pausch who is dying of cancer, and it is definitely eye opening. (www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HqdnjgkExY) And lastly I'd like to leave you with this quote I read a couple of years ago that has kind of stuck with me.

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."

- Mark Twain

It seems like a good outlook to have, why not? Have a good day everybody.

Gerald A. Keating

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Morning, peoples! I'm sure most of you are still waking up at your desks, as I currently am, trying to find motivation to be productive today. Well, it is Two Fer Tuesday, so make sure to set those two goals for yourself and try your best to see them through by day's end. Try not to pile on too much for yourself, as it can have the same effect as when you try to put too many sheets of paper through the shredder...it shuts down and then you have a hell of a time un-jamming it. Sometimes it gets so bad you just have to leave it and hope the opportunity to blame someone else comes up. My two goals for the day will be to be more productive than I was yesterday (I was pretty busy yesterday, time flew by and I didn't get to work on some of the things I need to work on), and to spend some laid back quality time with a good friend. Just chillin with good friends or family after a long and productive day can be very therapeutic. Good friends appreciate you for who you are. Some of you have significant others that you will go home to, others have close friends too hang out with, make sure you let them know that you appreciate them occasionally. Something so simple can mean a lot, especially for old people like me...

Gerald A. Keating

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Okay, so I was a little upset this morning, just needed to vent. Now, I was still a little grumpy until I was presented with a very intriguing question, "Jerry, where did you get Chipotle from?" What a strange question, I'm eating from a bag that says "Chipotle", she knows I'm eating food from Chipotle, and yet she asks the most mind-blowing question of the day! I didn't even know how to answer the question, I was shocked! I told her it's right around the corner from the factory where they make white meat chickens and dark meat chickens. Have a good evening everybody, and remember, if it looks like Chipotle, it smells like Chipotle, and the bag says Chipotle, it probably came from Chipotle.

Gerald A. Keating

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Happy Monday! I had a nice weekend, full of excitement, stress, anger, newfound motivation, humor, and laziness. It was a roller coaster of emotion and activity! Through the ups and downs, twists and turns, I was reminded of a couple of pretty important lessons in life, well...in my life anyway. We'll start with integrity, it is defined as:

1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values
2 : an unimpaired condition
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided

Well, you will find that many people in this world do not find the importance in such an important quality as integrity, and instead choose to display immaturity, dishonesty, greed, deceit, and recreant behavior. It is important to learn this virtue of integrity early on in life, as it becomes vital when flirting with success and power especially. Some who find power or success will then use it to poke at the people who may not have supported them in the past. These people are cowards who hide behind their power. A person with integrity will display the same quality when they're poor and powerless or when they're rich and powerful. You see integrity in leaders everyday, leaders that you respect. Unfortunately you also see the lack of integrity in others everyday, especially in those who have a false sense of what success really is. The second lesson that I was reminded of, I actually got a little chuckle out of it, was that if you are one of those integrity lacking people and you like to throw your minimal power around at the expense of others, then try not to have the audacity to ask one of those people for anything the next day, especially if that person is me. Most of you are friends of mine, or at least acquaintances. You are because you show integrity and are genuinely good people. I choose to surround myself with good people, because generally good things happen when you are surrounded by good people. So, for those of you who are a friend, I appreciate you for being real and for naturally doing things the right way. And for those of you who will continue to be petty, juvenile, unprofessional, and cocky...when you realize you have hit rock bottom and have your own actions and chosen personality traits to blame, accept it quickly. Maybe then you can still grow up and become a man.

Jerry

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Good morning to all, and to all a good morning. Sooooooooooo, some of you know I've been attending a weekly class called "Building Champions", more properly deemed by some as "I Love Myself 101". At first I didn't know what to think, and actually started the first class with some hesitation. Once the first class got underway, I realized that I was going to enjoy the class, and that there was a possibility that I'd come out of it loving myself even more! Jokes aside, it really has been a fulfilling course for me. I think I've learned a good amount from both our facilitator (she's pretty darn good) and from the other students in class. Once I was able to shut my own mouth for an extended period of time and others were feeling comfortable enough to open up, I think we all were able to learn new things about each other and ourselves. One of the most important lessons it reinforced for me was about the power of positive thinking. This whole abusive use of email privileges started because I was in a funk one day at work and needed a laugh. Once I got the laugh out, I was able to turn my whole day around. People tend to me more productive when they are happy, and tend to use more creativity in being productive. The positive attitude creates an atmosphere in which positive things are more likely to take place. Sometimes I think we take our own minds for granted, not realizing how powerful they are. From now on, try to refrain from thinking, "it can't be done", or, "that's never going to work". Instead think, "I know this can work", or, "it can be done, I just need to figure out how...". You'll probably be a little surprised when things start going your way more often, because it seems like such a simple change. It's not always a simple thing to do, this thinking positively, and you're not always going to be in a good mood, conducive to your positive thinking, so just do something to get a quick laugh. Look in the mirror and fake a smile, tell a joke, write a funny email, or just close your eyes and think, "I wonder what it's like to be Jerry"...that should get a smile. Have a good day everybody, I'm gonna go get my self-lovin' on.

Jerry

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As many of you may have deduced from not receiving a "Daily Dose of The Gerald" email yesterday, I was off. While many of you were at your desks yesterday, grumpy about it being Monday, wondering why in the world the phones would ring at 9:00AM on the dot, I was in bed sleeping... Well, I thought of something a little clever for yesterday, and since I missed it and we've already deemed "Two Fer Tuesdays", I propose "Make A List Mondays". Monday mornings are often glum and slow, as we are trying to get back into the swing of things after having off the weekend (a luxury that some of you may enjoy). First thing in the morning, as you sip your morning coffee, make a list of things you need to get done for the week. Maybe some phone calls you need to make, meetings you need to schedule/ attend, bills that need to be paid, maintenance on your car that needs to be done, etc. I am very guilty of letting things fall by the wayside, so I will be the first to practice this weekly list.

- Send out morning email (which will be prepared in my evenings and sent out for everyone's guidance and wisdom in the morning) - Everyday this week, look into the mirror and explain to yourself why you're sooooo awesome. - Pay car payment, electricity, rent, good-looking people tax - Answer fan mail - Get 5 apartment applications and turn them into happy move-ins - Do homework for my Ninja Masters Program at the secret temple in the shadows of the mystical Mitsubishi Mountains - Finalize plans to move to Cuba

Have a good day everybody, keep your April Fools pranks somewhat clean, especially while at work, but I want to hear some good stories later...

Gerald A. Keating

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There is a distinct difference between the positive thinker/ dreamer and a chronic habitual liar.

Positive thinking can be a very powerful tool. You think of goals you would like to accomplish or dreams that you have, you get it in your head that you're going to do what it takes to reach those goals and realize those dreams, you plan your strategy, and then you follow through. I know, I know, I make it sound soooo easy. It's not as easy as snapping your fingers, and you are going to have to work at it, but keeping a positive mindset throughout the process is the key to making it happen. There will be times when it gets rough and you start to think that I'm wrong...come on, who are we kidding? When was the last time I was wrong?

Liar. While on your journey of positive thinking and dream searching, you will often encounter another breed of dreamer called a LIAR. These liars can be dangerous people, as they feed you false information about themselves, false information about the world, and can even make you feel like you might be closer to your dreams than you thought. You must be weary of these folk, as they can get your hopes all the way up, and then all but destroy your motivation when you finally realize it was all a hoax. I'm not saying you should live your life in fear of these Liars. Just keep you eyes open, you'll see them, but they won't see me...creeping through the night like a Ninja of Truth!

Be careful of lies, they can be easy to make, but trying to get yourself out of the mess that lies got you into...not so easy. Have a good day everybody, dream big, and enjoy the beautiful weather today.

Gerald A. Keating

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Good morning, and welcome to "A Daily Dose of The Gerald". Sooo, recently while enjoying some of the incredible chicken from Pollo Rico (awesome chicken, and the flan is something special), I was confronted with a question from a co-worker, "does dark meat come from a brown chicken and white meat come from a white chicken??" WHAT?!?! Yes, and brown eggs also come from brown chickens... I was shocked! After thinking about the question for a while, it brought up some valid issues. First of all, for those of you that may be confused right now, all chickens have both white and dark meat in them, just depends on which part of the chicken you get, also hens can lay both brown and white eggs no matter the color of the chicken. Clear? Okay, so what it brought up is that we can take a lesson from this as it pertains to people. No matter the color, race, sex, sexual preference, hair color, level of awesomeness, we are all basically the same inside. We all have both white meat and dark meat, and we all have the ability to lay both brown and white eggs... Most of us at some point have been guilty of "judging a book by it's cover", and probably continue to do so, but I propose judging a book by it's table of contents at least. How many times has someone judged you before at least opening the book? For example, I'm always getting the "cocky, he must have ten girlfriends, probably gets by on his amazing looks...". Laugh, that was a little bit funny. Have a good day everybody, and do something nice for somebody today, besides reading my email...

Gerald A. Keating

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I know, I know, I'm a little late with the morning announcements today. Gimme a break, it is "Hump Day"... So I'm sitting here at my desk trying to figure out how I'm going to get through the day..."what would Jerry do??" and it hits me! How can I make today be a better day than yesterday? Simple, raise the bar. Set out to accomplish more than you did yesterday. It doesn't have to be monumental, just something more. Some of my co-workers and friends have already begun their children on a journey to achieve more and more everyday. A new golden lesson has arisen from the depths of The Gerald. Sure to take the "Happy Birthday" song's place as the most sung and popular song in the world, these oh-so-intelligent parents are teaching their children to sing, "I wanna be, I wanna be like Jerry". Ingenious I tell you! Alright, I'm off to see through some new goals, have fun today everybody.

Gerald A. Keating

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Hello, hello, They know, they know... I'm so sick wit it! Hello all, and welcome to this installment of The Gerald Speaks, because we all know that never happens... For those of you who have not yet woken up completely, it's Tuesday. For those of you who already knew that...I know, I know, the only exciting things about Tuesday are American Idol and Jerry's morning emails. Tuesday is the day of the week between Monday and Wednesday. The name comes from Middle English Twisday, from Old English Tiwes dæg, named after the Nordic god Tyr, who was the equivalent of the Roman war god Mars, the Greek god Ares, and The Gerald. Ha! I knew it! I pulled that right off of Wikipedia! Crazy the things you can find out about Tuesday by just googling it...

Today will be "Two fer Tusdays", so set two small goals for yourself today that can be accomplished by the end of the day. You'd be surprised at how much of a sense of accomplishment can come from doing just that. Have a good day everybody, and peace to my brothers on welfare, Tupac cares if don't nobody else care...

Gerald A. Keating

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Oh Monday, how you sneak up and surprise us so abruptly every week, like a ninja hiding around the corner oh so mischievously, ready to jump out and frighten the next passerby... Alas, Monday, I pledge a new outlook towards you. It is not your fault you have been chosen as the first day of the work week, so I vow to embrace you now as the start to a new weekly adventure. Mondays will now be known as the beginning of a new episode, a fresh start and a new chapter in the book of life!

Now, having said all of that, and in the spirit of improving our outlook on Mondays, I also vow to find out not who makes the decision to start construction work on a major roadway during rush hour on a Monday morning...but whoever the moron was that hired that person! Also, when the idea to start construction on a major roadway during rush hour on a Monday was brought up, who was the intelligent jack-in-the-box who thought it was a good idea and approved it! "Woo Saa...", okay I'm better now. Have a good day everybody.

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The Kanamara Matsuri is exactly the same as the Hounen Matsuri only the phalluses are steel and pink. Sweet. Check out the video and watch for the penis carved bananas:

What's more important than all of this penis partying is the fact that while researching the Kanamara Matsuri, the artificially intelligent entity that is Wikipedia offered me a list of related articles, one of them being the Vagina Dentata. This is latin for "toothed vagina" and refers to several culturak myths, most notably Native American, about the dangers of sleeping with strange women... because apparently they may have a toothed vagina. WTF?? "Toothed vagina," the classic symbol of men's fear of sex, expressing the unconscious belief that a woman may eat or castrate her partner during intercourse. Contrary to popular belief, this legend is not credited to Freud but dates back as far as Greek and Egyptian Mythology and appears in a plethora of cultures including Chinese, Babylonian, and Sioux Indian.

The subject has even been turned into a movie called "Teeth" which actually won something at the Sundance Film Festival. I guess the choices were between voting for this or another movie filmed in dead languages from Professional Jew Hater Mel Gibson:

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Good morning all, and greetings from the land of The Gerald. Thursday, Thursday...what can I say about Thursday? Well, it's just not quite cool enough to be Friday, it's a Friday wannabe actually, and generally we young folk support these delusions of Thursday's. Maybe it's time for Thursday to have an intervention, we can help it find it's own identity... I propose Tortoise Thursdays. In the spirit of "sticking your neck out" (as a tortoise), try to take any opportunity to go above and beyond and make someone's day. Some time's it can be a very simple thing that puts a smile on someone's face and changes their whole outlook for the day. You might even be surprised at how happy it makes you afterward as well. If ever you find yourself on a Thursday, having been given no opportunity to improve on someone's situation, money makes me smile and it can be sent to 7409 Eastmoreland Rd., Annandale, VA 22003. Thank you and have a good day.

Gerald A. Keating

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Good morning everybody, and welcome to our next installment of "Good Morning, It's Jerry". Today is Wednesday, otherwise known as "Hump Day". Don't get the wrong idea, peoples, it means it's the middle of the week... Some find it especially hard to get through this day of work as we are two days in to the work week and still two days away from the end, but I suggest making this a theme day, something that will help both you and those around you get through the day with a smile on your face. Ideas, ideas, hmm... Well, it could be "Pirate Day" (haaaarrr matey!), or "French Day" (hoa hoa! LeBleurrrrr!), or even "Ninja Day" (stealth walk everywhere you go, I can teach you. Also, carrying nunchaku or wearing a ninja mask is a plus). Get creative and have a great Hump Day!

P.S. Please forward all interesting theme ideas.

Gerald A. Keating

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Guess what time of year it is? If you said, "The Ides of March" then you would be wrong. What's far more important is that it's time for the Japanese Phallus, um or "fertility" Festival! Every year on March 15 a huge two and a half meter wooden phallus is carried the short distance between two shrines attracting visitors from all over Japan and international media attention.

Each year, a new giant wooden phallus is carved from a large hinoki (cypress) tree. In Japan newly made objects are thought to express more purity and vitality. The tree is brought to the shrine for purification rituals during the coldest part of the winter, before a master craftsman begins to shape it. The craftsman uses only traditional tools and wears clothing that has also been purified through rituals at the shrine. It is this phallus that will be the central focus of the procession, and then be placed into the Shinmeisha shrine as the principal phallus after the festival.

Check out this video of last year's Hounen Matsuri, my favorite part is when the woman starts caressing the penis and giggles:

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Chantal Sébire, a 52 year-old mother and retired scool teacher, has been horribly disfigured by an incredibly painful, and incurable, disease and is now asking the French government to allow a doctor to euthanize her.

"In 2000, I lost my sense of smell and taste, and then the tumour evolved and ate into my jaws, before attacking the eye socket. I lost my sight in October last year," says Chantal. Her condition is known as "Esthesioneuroblastoma"and consists of an enormous tumor growing out her sinuses and nasal cavities.

She describes the feeling as being like "large needles poked into your eye" and doctors anticipate that her condition will only worsen with time. Only 200 cases of the disease had been reported globally in the last 20 years.

She has since began the quest to find a doctor who will help her "leave in peace, without suffering". This type of request goes directly against France's "Good Samaritan" law, which was put into act in April 2005 and requires people to help others in need. The law also restricts doctors from aiding in suicides, like the famed Doctor Kevorkian, but Chantal's doctors are saying that this law should be applied on a "case by case" basis. Chantal has since begged French president Nicolas Sarkozy to let her die by doctor assisted euthanasia.

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How long do you spend on the crapper? 5 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour, 2 years? If you answered two years then you are just like the crazy woman from Ness City, Kansas, who may or may not be mentally disabled, and who voluntarily spent 2 years on her boyfriend's toilet.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said that the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin appeared to have grown around the seat. As in, her flesh began to merge with the toilet because she had been there sooo long. At first, she refused emergency medical services but police, observers, and her boyfriend finally convinced her that she needed to go to a hospital.

The police are not currently releasing their names, but in my mind's eye I imagine a "Buford" and a "Sammy Jean." Obviously, in this case Buford is the boyfriend.

Police are still deciding whether or not charges should be filed on Buford for leaving Sammy Jean in his bathroom for two years, but apparently Sammy Jean didn't want to get off the shitter in the first place:

"The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said."

UPDATE:
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple says he asked the county attorney to file charges against Kory McFarren for mistreatment of a dependent adult.

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